“How are the apps?” I asked my ex husband over video chat. The call started so I could say goodnight to our son while he was over there but we often still chat as friends at this time.
He knew what I meant. He made a face by way of reply. He looked like a disgusted Elvis with his one lip pulled half way up to his eye.
I chuckled and he said they’re basically the same, if not worse, as the last time I was really on them (which he knew was before Asshole).
“I guess it depends what you’re looking for,” he sighed resolutely. The implications were clear.
“That would be great, but not without a bit more behind it,” I answered. With about a week until Valentine’s Day, I wasn’t looking for a fling.
He smiled then said they probably wouldn’t give me what I was looking for. I wondered briefly if all exes talk like this, but realized it didn’t matter. We do and it works for us. We’re still “best friends”.
I whined that the few people I had met more recently just going through life all seemed to start with such high hopes. I explained how things seem great and they seem super interested and then just…poof!
They’re gone.
Except not. I told him I can see them stalking my professional socials – the hits are easy to track.
He made a derogatory movement involving his hand, his hips and one very happy face.
I chuckled.
“Well I was standing right in front of them so that was dumb on their part.”
Then my ex heaved a big sigh and gave me one of the sweetest compliments ever. And yes, it was made especially sweet because it came from him.
“You’re smart, Varity. Not just like kinda smart. You’re really smart and you’ve got a lot going on.”
“So?” I asked, making sure to prove him wrong for a moment.
He grinned at me awkwardly for a moment before getting serious and almost angry on my behalf for me.
“And you speak up. You challenge men. Guys don’t want a dumb girl but they don’t want you to be smarter than them. They don’t want you to have more accomplishments than them.”
I sat in shocked silence. It was what I suspected in my bitter moments but I try to give people more credit than that. These self-professed liberal and evolved men still couldn’t get past my brain and accomplishments?
Precisely what level of accomplishment is sufficient to appease your cocktail party socialites but not so much as to make people a bit uncomfortable.
“They think I’m too good?!”
No really, where is that happy medium? Just so I know for reference.
“Basically.”
“Well then I fucking am. This isn’t a fucking contest!” I was getting angry and Pumpkin was in the other room getting ready for bed still. I didn’t want my bitter suspicions to be right. “It’s, ideally, supposed to be a mutually beneficial partnership. They can grow up and put their big boy pants on if me having a brain is such an issue.”
My ex chuckled at my momentary temper flare after making a semi-shocked face which I suspect was mostly just for show. He knows me well enough to know my reaction.
“Yup,” he said suddenly grinning.
I’m looking for reasons he would lie about that. It can’t be that simple and bitterly true. There must be men out there who can handle a woman who can handle herself and treat her with respect.
Honestly?
From a survivor’s viewpoint?
This is one of the ways they get in. This is how good women end up with bad men. We get lonely too. We want to be seen and recognized and cherished too. We know we aren’t bottom barrel but everybody else flees.
So love bombing feels like “FINALLY! Hallelujah!”.
Somebody who nitpicks some of our own foibles (because we’re actually not perfect, despite the conversation above) seems confident and on our level.
From there it goes downhill.
I’ve got stronger boundaries now but I have a lot of the same feelings I had when I first met Asshole. If I didn’t know better now, I could easily slip into that again. Easily.
I won’t blame the other men for doing their…I’m going to call it the “chicken dance”…but they don’t then also get to turn around and complain about wonderful women they know who date toxic losers. We each get to own our own decisions.
Well? Did you step to it? Did ya try? Or did you find some cockamamie reason not to even try while shielding your ego?
That’s what I thought.
Shut up.
My ex-husband is 100% my EX husband. We’ve mutually agreed we are not going back there again, but as dim as he can be and admits he is, he figured out early on never to let my intelligence and accomplishments be anything but something he was proud of me for. He would brag about me.
See, guys?
That smart woman could be a feather in your cap with the right attitude.
And ladies? Don’t settle for assholes.
Truth and Recovery 