The usual morning three-ring-circus stunt getting Pumpkin ready, making myself look like I am not a hot mess mom and replying to Asshole’s ongoing messages routine was well underway.
Which one, which one, which one? I thought as I stood staring in my closet and biting my nails.
BBC Global News podcast was playing in the background as I held a towel around my torso and damp hair dripped down my neck. I was trying to decide which dress to wear as Brexit and Boris Johnson were wreaking havoc on the world … still.
I have nine versions of the same work dress. I jokingly call it my “uniform” but it really makes getting dressed for work easy. Black was Asshole’s favourite but today’s meeting wasn’t for him and I was feeling feisty.
Power red it is! Today could be big!
My meeting that day was with a big client who could help my business grow. A growing business meant I could help more people professionally and personally, provide better for my family and have the resources to give back to the community. It was a big deal.
Asshole was not entirely enthusiastic about my meeting and business pursuits most of the time but sort of half-heartedly played along.
Once I was ready, and while Pumpkin was finishing his oatmeal and watching Dino cartoons downstairs, I took a moment to snap a quick selfie.
Asking the man who wanted to be one of the most important people in my life for a little encouragement and ego stroking, I sent him the selfie and asked how I looked.
“Ummm” was the reply.
That’s it.
I wish there was more. I still have the message but I don’t have to check it to know that’s what it says because the shock of the unloving reply stuck a dart deep in my mind.
I did retort with a sarcastic thank you and told him I would take that as a compliment, rolling my eyes to myself, and grabbing clothes for my son for the day before heading back downstairs.
Eventually he said he liked “conservative” attire and after some back and forth conceded I looked good – maybe too good?
What?!
That dress could be straight from the 1950s or 60s and the pearls were from him. The dress isn’t even a modest scoop neck and it comes all the way down to my knees. Nothing about that dress is ostentatious other than the colour, especially after I add a blazer, but I look damn good in red. It sets off my own hazel-green eyes.
I don’t regret it – I still wear that dress. I do hate the moment of very brief hesitation I have now before putting it on but I still wear it.
Moments like this played out a million times over our brief time together. He had opportunities to build me up, shine light on me and show how much he treasured the big and small things I brought to his life and the world in general.
Instead he found more value in finding ways to tear me down or belittling my skills and accomplishments. I admit the little barbs wore on me over time. How could they not?
A good partner throws out a compliment and some encouragement. It’s not needy to expect your partner to help build you up, encourage you and help reflect a generally positive image of yourself back to you.
Why was it so hard for him to do that? Didn’t I deserve that?
Of course I did. I was easier to manipulate when I doubted myself a bit though and my expectations were thrown a little off kilter.
Love bomb and then demean – abuse and manipulation 101.
Truth and Recovery 