Intentionally wrong

I call myself Varity on this blog-Varity Teller.

The email connected to this blog, created before I had officially settled on a pseudonym, is trudytellerveritas@gmail.com

I was strongly considering the moniker “Trudy” at that point because it rhymed with “truthy”. Considering Stephen Colbert used the word to ironically mean “false”, however, that wasn’t how I wanted to brand this site.

Then the answer was staring me in the face. Some derivative of “veritas” would carry the gravitas of my message and I could probably find something feminine and pretty.

I knew before I published my first post it wouldn’t be all poetry or all essays or all non-fiction storytelling. I had already written some things before I hit publish on the first post. (If you look back in the archives, you’ll notice the first five or six posts happened very quickly.)

I was using a variety of writing styles to tell my truth – my Veritas.

Hence, I’m Varity.

While the less creative and linguistically inclined could be forgiven for assuming the spelling of my pseudonym was simply a mistake, they would be wrong. I don’t need to be corrected.

This name was intentional.

Oh – and “Teller” is too obvious to bother explaining. Though I do also admire the educational storytelling style of comedian magicians Penn and Teller, so that was additional inspiration. (Here’s why Teller chose his own unique way of engaging with his audience.)

Here in this blog, I’m Varity Teller because I tell my truth in a variety of ways, using innovative art forms where moved, like spoken word poetry and video/photo montages. I hope you’ll keep connecting with me. I hope you’ll keep telling your truth.

Vital dating advice for safety

As promised in a previous post, I know another fabulous blogger. She has also dealt with an abusive man and her blog details just a fraction of his exploits against her.

The key post of hers I’m sharing now will allow you to see if your prospective date or partner has any upcoming legal matters before the courts, civil or criminal. Civil charges can sometimes be frivolous and anybody can file them so you may want to take them with a grain of salt. “Consider the source,” as they say.

Criminal charges meet a higher standard though. I would pay very, very close attention to those.

Without further ado – please click THIS LINK for more details.

Clare’s Law

I wish I had known about this before today. I haven’t verified it, but watch the video.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMYvWFRTg/

Essentially you can, according to the woman in the video, contact your local police on their non-emergency line and ask about “Clare’s Law”. She said if you provide their information, police can look them up in a database and let you know about any assault or intimate partner style charges even if they are still before the courts.

In Ontario, you can also create a logon to the province’s judicial site and search it yourself. I know another blogger who has successfully done this and will link a post of hers describing the process.

Maybe on Monday I will test this tik-tokers advice and report back on the experience.

That’s funny…

It was too riské, he said. The conservative patrons would never stand it, he said. No, no, no – The Festival will never do that, he said.

It was my suggestion to put on a production of the musical “Rent” or “Avenue Q” or something like that. “Rent” is one of my favourite theatrical endeavors. He was Asshole, my now-ex, who claimed he was on his way to a dramaturg meeting as part of his role as a supposed music director for The Festival. He said they were planning which plays and musicals to stage at least two and three years out.

The year was 2021 and it was a fairly hot July.

So when The Festival released this teaser a few weeks ago, I couldn’t help but chuckle:

https://youtu.be/YUjDLjqL-1k

Wait – wait – wait! Replay that. What was the listing after William Shakespeare’s famous “King Lear”?

Yup; that’s right.

I stopped counting the lies a long time ago because I already have a full-time job, but we could add a few to the tally with this new development.

“How are the apps?”

“How are the apps?” I asked my ex husband over video chat. The call started so I could say goodnight to our son while he was over there but we often still chat as friends at this time.

He knew what I meant. He made a face by way of reply. He looked like a disgusted Elvis with his one lip pulled half way up to his eye.

I chuckled and he said they’re basically the same, if not worse, as the last time I was really on them (which he knew was before Asshole).

“I guess it depends what you’re looking for,” he sighed resolutely. The implications were clear.

“That would be great, but not without a bit more behind it,” I answered. With about a week until Valentine’s Day, I wasn’t looking for a fling.

He smiled then said they probably wouldn’t give me what I was looking for. I wondered briefly if all exes talk like this, but realized it didn’t matter. We do and it works for us. We’re still “best friends”.

I whined that the few people I had met more recently just going through life all seemed to start with such high hopes. I explained how things seem great and they seem super interested and then just…poof!

They’re gone.

Except not. I told him I can see them stalking my professional socials – the hits are easy to track.

He made a derogatory movement involving his hand, his hips and one very happy face.

I chuckled.

“Well I was standing right in front of them so that was dumb on their part.”

Then my ex heaved a big sigh and gave me one of the sweetest compliments ever. And yes, it was made especially sweet because it came from him.

“You’re smart, Varity. Not just like kinda smart. You’re really smart and you’ve got a lot going on.”

“So?” I asked, making sure to prove him wrong for a moment.

He grinned at me awkwardly for a moment before getting serious and almost angry on my behalf for me.

“And you speak up. You challenge men. Guys don’t want a dumb girl but they don’t want you to be smarter than them. They don’t want you to have more accomplishments than them.”

I sat in shocked silence. It was what I suspected in my bitter moments but I try to give people more credit than that. These self-professed liberal and evolved men still couldn’t get past my brain and accomplishments?

Precisely what level of accomplishment is sufficient to appease your cocktail party socialites but not so much as to make people a bit uncomfortable.

“They think I’m too good?!”

No really, where is that happy medium? Just so I know for reference.

“Basically.”

“Well then I fucking am. This isn’t a fucking contest!” I was getting angry and Pumpkin was in the other room getting ready for bed still. I didn’t want my bitter suspicions to be right. “It’s, ideally, supposed to be a mutually beneficial partnership. They can grow up and put their big boy pants on if me having a brain is such an issue.”

My ex chuckled at my momentary temper flare after making a semi-shocked face which I suspect was mostly just for show. He knows me well enough to know my reaction.

“Yup,” he said suddenly grinning.

I’m looking for reasons he would lie about that. It can’t be that simple and bitterly true. There must be men out there who can handle a woman who can handle herself and treat her with respect.

Honestly?

From a survivor’s viewpoint?

This is one of the ways they get in. This is how good women end up with bad men. We get lonely too. We want to be seen and recognized and cherished too. We know we aren’t bottom barrel but everybody else flees.

So love bombing feels like “FINALLY! Hallelujah!”.

Somebody who nitpicks some of our own foibles (because we’re actually not perfect, despite the conversation above) seems confident and on our level.

From there it goes downhill.

I’ve got stronger boundaries now but I have a lot of the same feelings I had when I first met Asshole. If I didn’t know better now, I could easily slip into that again. Easily.

I won’t blame the other men for doing their…I’m going to call it the “chicken dance”…but they don’t then also get to turn around and complain about wonderful women they know who date toxic losers. We each get to own our own decisions.

Well? Did you step to it? Did ya try? Or did you find some cockamamie reason not to even try while shielding your ego?

That’s what I thought.

Shut up.

My ex-husband is 100% my EX husband. We’ve mutually agreed we are not going back there again, but as dim as he can be and admits he is, he figured out early on never to let my intelligence and accomplishments be anything but something he was proud of me for. He would brag about me.

See, guys?

That smart woman could be a feather in your cap with the right attitude.

And ladies? Don’t settle for assholes.

Reddit: by Ladybird

Funny story I found on Reddit…. Below, is an interesting post I once stumbled upon on Reddit. It was posted July of 2019, by someone using the same username that Asshole used for his email address, so I can only assume that this user is Asshole. If it isn’t, what a coincidence?!

I wanted to take a moment and go through the post pointing out the lies, and deceptions which further shows what a pathological liar Asshole is. His original post and responses to some comments are below in blue and my input is in black.

This was posted in the same month that our relationship ended and I had made it very clear that I was unwilling to ever speak to him again as I didn’t want anything to do with any further lies and deception.

r/relationship_advice

•Posted by

u/organXXXX

3 years ago

advice about saving this relationship

I posted this somewhere else but maybe it’s better here.

I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful woman, Amanda, for the last five months.

(Apparently late March to July 3^rd is five months…)

We’ve both come out of failed marriages with narcissistic sociopaths. Our relationship, yes fast paced, resulted in getting engaged almost 7 weeks ago. At the end of June, Amanda had a health problem that was finally under control. (Don’t want to go into detail but it was the result of a hormone imbalance with birth control).  

(I received my diagnosis of my health condition on July 5, which was after things ended with Asshole, and what is described here, is not the health condition. This is what he tried to gaslight me with by trying to convince me to stop taking birth control so that we could have a baby. I was VERY sick and having a baby at that time was the worst possible idea ever.)

 On July 3, the engagement was broken off because of a gross misunderstanding. Until then, we had spent almost every weekend at her home, and not being in my home which was up for sale. (We live approximately an hour apart. ). When she came with me to where I work, she decided to go to my house without me. I had to be at work that day.. She thought I lived at #15 and I live at #50. Subsequently she felt I had “lied” to her when she couldn’t find my house. (#15 doesn’t exist. Maybe my accent made #50 sound like #15).  

(Asshole does not have an accent, and like I have previously mentioned, he wrote his address of #15 on a sticky note and put on my bulletin board in my house. He flat out lied.)

She returned to her home where I had left some things. We had made plans to move in together. So I had a few things there. Ever since this happened she has been “colouring” everything in our relationship through the “eyes” of her feeling that I lied to her.

(Ummm, he 100% lied to me about so many things.)

 We’ve been able to communicate through email. I’ve asked to talk face to face but she says, “I don’t have the strength to do that.” 

(This I actually did say, because I didn’t have the strength not to meet him in public and refrain from beating the tar out of him, which would lead to me being arrested. My kids didn’t need a mom in jail for beating up a drunk.)

We’ve been going back and forth with a lot of things, and I don’t think the problem is insurmountable. I truly love her. She’s the true love of my life. I rally want to save this relationship. I’m trying to give her the space she needs because of her health problem, which she has had minor day-surgery for to recover. 

(I never had minor day-surgery in July 2019 for my health issues.)

I feel that ego, pride and stubbornness are all involved in this. (There is also the fact she is Dutch and very stubborn and immovable sometimes about things) I know she is hurt coming out of her failed marriage. I know she is hurt right now. She constantly refers to the fact that she is broken or she would rather live in misery. From all the emails and conversations we’ve had she is telling me she does want this relationship.

(Again, while we did communicate after things ended through email a couple of times, I never said that I wanted this relationship. He implied that I was broken and miserable, and I had responded that I would rather stay that way than be with him.)

She admits she doesn’t communicate well. I think she is absolutely perfect. I’m looking for advice to figure out how to deal with this and save the relationship because she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I wish life came with an owner’s manual sometimes. Any advice/help would be appreciated

5 Comments

Yes we have agreed on that. We had started the pre-marriage prep and we identified that and we had a long conversation with the facilitator that made us aware this was a concern, but we were able to talk through it and agree it is working. I think the real problem right now is she won’t meet in person for some reason, what I think is that she feels bad about the reaction and will never admit that she was wrong. We are communicating via email right now and that’s about it. How does one combat the pride and stubbornness?

(This was a response to a comment. We had never started the pre-marriage prep with our church for us to get married. I was still married to my first husband, so we couldn’t begin any real wedding planning until that was finalized. It also turns out that his divorce that he told me had been finalized years earlier had never happened, and he was still legally married to his first wife.)

We had been out of our first marriages for long periods…5 years for both us. I should have been more clear.

(This was a response to another comment… When I met Asshole, I had been out of my marriage for just over a year, so, while the few short months we dated felt like an eternity, it certainly had not been long enough to make it 5 years since my marriage ended. As well, I would again later learn through copies of court documents that he sent me, that his marriage had not been over for more than 5 years either.)

It is so easy for Asshole to lie. At this point I don’t even know if he knows what is true and what isn’t. He certainly believes his own lies to be truth. However, just because you want something to be true, it doesn’t make it true.

Cardinals in the snow, eagles in the sky

Mother nature’s own shaken and settling snow globe filled my living room window that day. The flakes landed gently on the leaves of already burdened branches. 

When the wind blew stiffly, it looked like Gaia stood up and did a fabulous gyrating dance as snow flew from literally every direction.

I had thick purple socks on my feet, a fresh mug of coffee steaming to my left and I felt my thoughts scurry like the snowflakes sent asunder to the unheard primal earthly beat.

So I grabbed one thought, one line of reality, and held tight. Then I began to write. I put this down, I set this right, and nobody will get to manipulate the story or tell me I’m wrong or misinterpreted it. There’s no gaslighting on the page.

I focused on one memory, one moment, just one shard of glass stuck in my heart.

If I can draw it out, piece by piece, it can live painlessly on this page instead of inside of me.

Then Gaia stopped dancing.

A scarlet cardinal hopped on one of the snowy branches in front of my window. He was hopping urgently, like Pumpkin asking for more peanut butter bread.

I stared at him for a moment. He was hopping so frantically, as I was still holding that thought thread in my mind and preparing to put it down in writing, that when suddenly he stopped and looked up, my gaze instinctually followed his.

Good lord, what is she doing here?! I wondered as I stared at the stunning wings filling the sky above me and miraculously piercing the snow.

She flew low, in slow circles, frequently leaving sight of my view from the window, and I knew I had to write that thread I had grabbed onto. She should be perched somewhere and hunkered down braving out this storm. She shouldn’t be circling over my home.

“Keep going,” her circling told me.

I whispered “ok, I will” into my empty room and hoped she could hear it through the window.

She must have; She left after that.

I sat back down, lit a candle to welcome the flame of creation into my space and got to typing out my story again.

It means something to me at least and maybe, there’s a tiny chance, it might help somebody else too.

I still have memories of the abuse I have trouble putting into words because they aren’t stories necessarily. They were brief, recurring patterns and taken in single instances they seem soooo insignificant. But like pins all stuck into the same cushion, they have a cumulative effect.

I can pull out one large shard of glass at a time and hold it up for you to see, but how do I explain and extract 50 needles in one go?

UPDATED: Pesky muses

Hey Y’all!

We’re live over on the other blog now. It’s still a work in progress but it will be a slow evolution rather than a final reveal.

CLICK HERE to check out “Pesky Muses”. (I couldn’t think of a name for the blog for the longest time until I realized, duh, I already had!)

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Have you ever been haunted by muses?

You probably do know what that’s like. You’re probably another blogger or creative person reading this so of course you do.

This blog was created for a specific purpose though and I don’t want to muddy that. As I heal and grow beyond this and rejoin general society in experiencing all the bounty and vibrancy life has to offer, I find my muses poking my fingers to write about other topics. I haven’t written for far too long and I find it makes me whole in a way I had forgotten. Plus, I love meeting others who feel like me. I love our community.

Truth and Recovery isn’t going anywhere (for now) and I will keep it active to serve its purpose but if you want to share with me creatively in a space not devoted to my darker moments, please feel free to join me over there.

I’ve got nearly a dozen entries stock piled which just don’t fit the parameters of this platform.

I suspect this new blog it will be filled with lots of poetry – spoken, written or some combination thereof – but who really knows what these pesky muses will push me to do? I need more freedom to accommodate their demands and I can’t find that here.

I’ll update this post and pin it to the top when the new site is set up.

Happy Hump Day, y’all. I hope at least some of you are getting some.